Archive for March, 2012

New Element Discovered

There has been a new element discovered that is incredibly rare. This element much like many elements are required to be ingested in a small amount to balance our bodies chemical compositions. Due to the lack of knowledge of this elemt many people on earth are very deficient in this and thus lack the chemical balance that allows them to function normally.

The element has been titled “IntegriT” and is still being researched further for its Atomic Weight and other attributes.

Expect to see more thorough reports on foods and supplements that offer IntegriT.


~Gaian Helmers



Murphy’s Law

Murphy’s Law. For those of you who don’t know what that law is, it is the law that if something wrong can happen, it will.

This is a very powerful law and makes itself known at the worst of times… When something can go wrong.

The biggest question though is: Who is this Murphy?

As a follow-up question: Why does he have such a terrible law to his name?

This is a tragic story about the 1300’s Jesus Murphy.

Jesus Murphy is an Eastern Canadian man who has been laced into the local culture since his life there. A proud lumberjack of a great lumberjack family line Jesus Murphy didn’t need much, he had friends and family and his very own house. A house that he had built himself with the spare lumber he harvested that year. [The house was demolished in 1567 due to a bunch of  controversy around his name.]

Unfortunately Jesus Murphy always spoke about how he had a looming cloud of misfortune and swore that one day it would be his end.

Even more unfortunate was that it was.

Jud Akinnas the Mayor of the village that Jesus Murphy resided in suffered from Night Terrors as well as Sleep Paralysis (further explained here). This is a very terrible set of conditions to have. One night during one of Juds spells he saw Jesus Murphy in his nightmares. He swore he was more clear than ever and Jesus Murphy had been casting bad omens upon him. He ended up gathering the whole village against him and soon Jesus Murphy was a wanted man.

Jesus Murphy knew this was his time, he didn’t want to give up his family or friends by fleeing, as he knew his misfortune would catch up to him eventually.

So he submitted to the village. They tied him to a maple tree and wrapped his head in pine needles. He was then fed only maple syrup until he passed away 5 days later.

Many believed this treatment of Jesus Murphy was unjust and others believed he was a saint. And thus a small group of devout followers started a religion on him. This was ingrained into the Eastern Canadian culture but the religion quickly disappeared in the 1400’s leaving only the name and the law.

Murphy’s Law.


~Gaian Helmers


The Mighty Dishwasher

It is reported that people who wash dishes manually develop a very interesting condition (some would say).


Because one is forced to grip wet, soapy, often smooth dishes. Those that regularly wash dishes by hand develop an aquatic grip. This aquatic grip is a layer of skin that is very very thin and has tiny tentacle like bumps. These bumps are incredibly flexible and when wet, tangle and stick to smooth surfaces.

When the soap breaks the tension between these individuals skin oils it forms a conjoined bond between the hand and the dish due to the tension being in other locations where the soap/water is much less combined.


Pretty cool ‘condition’.


~Gaian Helmers


Pi: A Piece of Cake

Pi has just now been completely deciphered!


Pi, once a chaotic anomaly in mathematics has now just been completed. A computer code-named “A La Mode” that has been calculating Pi since 1984 has just discovered its loop.

The loop ends with:

7812639503982883249087538823, to which the loop then kicks in with: 314159265… etc.



Now science and math have a huge new stepping stone to develop their craft. Soon we may have teleportation or worm hole generators.

Thank you A La Mode for your 28 years of mind shattering Pi calculating.


~Gaian Helmers


Lightning and Fire

Lightning and Fire, two very different things. But they actually happen to be made of the same thing.


Yes. Fire is made of heat and lightning, electricity. Did you know that they are the same?


Heat and electricity though different in effect are just two frequencies of the same matter. Heat is the slower of the two and electricity, much faster. You can see this effect when you run an electrical current through a lesser conducting material. This slows down the electrical current and thus emits heat once its slowed enough. Electrical stoves use this and I’m sure you’ve done a good couple of those kinds of experiments in school.

Unfortunately its very hard to speed up the frequency of heat into electricity. That is why you have to convert the heat energy into electricity. By using the heat to boil water you can then harness the waters energy to spin a generator and make electricity. This may seem like cheating but this is the only currently known way.


~Gaian Helmers


Sponges: Our Little Bacteria Infested Friends.

It has already been shown that sponges after small amounts of time become disgusting cesspools of infection and disease…


However have you ever considered why they may turn out this way.

The first thing to understand is that kitchen cleaning sponges aren’t produced, they are farmed. Kitchen sponges in their many forms and colours are sea sponges that are put through a myriad of processes to grow into the things we use on dishes every day.


Many processes have since been revealed to the public, I’ll share some of them now:

The abrasive side of sponges are created when a certain mineral powder is dusted on one side of the almost completely grown sponge, the mineral composition is a closely kept secret among many sponge brands and vary in the finer details of portions.

The vibrant colours of sponges (yellow is their natural tone) are created by saturating their water with materials such as magnesium (for green), Lithium Chloride (for red) and Sodium Chloride (for orange) to name a few.

The shapes of sponges is fairly simple to produce, once a sponge begins to grow they place them within shapers, much like square watermelons. Once they’ve fully grown they should hold their shape and look exactly like the sponges we know of today.


So why are sponges putrid disease bags?

Well sponges are simple organisms with many little pockets of air. You constantly wet them and break down their interior structure and it leaves them prone to infection. Soon the sponge has been worked into a pulp and has long since died. At this point it begins to rapidly absorb many bacteria allowing for a rich nutrient filled shelter, warmed by the temperature of the water, fed by the food and sponge particles and constantly re-hydrated by the use for cleaning dishes.


A tip for the sponge owner:

After doing the dishes, once your sponge has reached the middle of its prime. (When its starting to show wear and is a lot more malleable) throw it in the microwave for 5-10 seconds depending on the power of your microwave. Your sponge should be dead by that point, so you’re only eradicating the bacteria that would otherwise be growing and spreading among its body.


Good luck and enjoy the clean dishes.



~Gaian Helmers


Author Update #1

The author of anything but fact was viciously mauled by a bengal and white tiger duo. They demanded his wallet to which he refused and totally. Totally. Absolutely was completely unable to do this weeks articles.


In fact. [Note: this is the first time in the history of ABF that the word fact to validate a bit of information has been used in any form.] He was cheerily walking home excitedly passionately and full of inspiration, ready to write out like 35.7 articles that very fateful Sunday afternoon.


Though the tag of this article may state that this is absolute lies, I assure you. This is totally completely realistically real and it really happened.




~Gaian Helmers